I refuse to be a Slave

I heard a song yesterday that MADE ME WEEP. Not just a tear or two running down my cheek…but I could not physically stop the tears from running.

You see…the last few months have been a struggle with my relationship with God. I have felt so distant, but I couldn’t place my finger on what was different, why I was hurting on the inside, or why I couldn’t seem to shake it.

It is hard to admit as a Pastor’s wife. Everyone thinks that you have to have it all together. You have to have a smile every Sunday, welcome everyone you meet, and you feel like you can never have a breakdown or God forbid struggle with anything (including sin, pain, hurt, rejection etc). You have to constantly put yourself out there when people are hurtful, mean, rude, or could careless about you.

Ok…it goes deeper. I have more to confess. I struggle with FEAR more than I would like to admit. I am scared that something will happen toTony Green, Dahlia, or #littlesailorgirl. I fear that I won’t be a good enough mom, wife, or coach. I fear that I will never live up to the expectations I have for myself, or the ones others have set for me. I fear that I won’t make a lasting impression on the world.

I don’t say this because I want everyone to tell me that I’m doing just fine…or that I’m a positive light in the world. I tell you this because I know some of you FEEL THE SAME WAY.

So…Basically…GO LISTEN TO THIS SONG!! I am no longer a slave to FEAR–that isn’t who I am anymore. I am a child of God.

Will you let Satan define who you are?? Or will you let God give you a new name??”

Well…you know how Satan likes to test us right?! He apparently read my message, and has made it his personal goal to make me revert back to that girl who was scared. That girl would was living as a slave. That person who was paralyzed.

Just a week ago we got news about our dear little foster baby. Of course I cannot give you details, but just a little background on foster care:

1. They don’t just move foster kids from home to home for no reason. A child stays in the same foster home while the county works for reunification with the biological family.

2. Very rarely does a biological family “put” their kids in foster care. Usually they are removed for a very specific reason.

3. It is not up to the foster families on if they want to adopt (unless the child becomes adoptable). It has everything to do with if the bio parents are working the case plan. (usually involves things like creating a safe home environment, getting a job, going to counseling, get clean from drugs–these are JUST examples, and every case is different). After a period of time if a case plan has not been successful, the child could become adoptable.

4. At any point a family member or friend to to the biological parents could try to get custody of the the child.

5. It is not uncommon for DNA testing to come up to find out who the father is. This can change the entire process moving forward.

SOOOOOO…we got some news that would involve a change in the case plan for our little lady. Of course fear of the unknown has been encompassing me for the last week. I’ve been living in a dark hole that I just haven’t been able to get out of.

Please don’t tell me, “You KNEW this could happen as a foster parent.” OR “Didn’t you expect this to happen?” OR “Isn’t it best if the child is with her biological family?” etc. Because I have to be honest with you. I don’t mean this to sound harsh. YES. Yes, I did know getting into foster care that most likely my heart would be shred to pieces. Yes, I did know that this happens often that the child never becomes adoptable. BUT no. I do not always think that the child is best to be placed with someone biological because blood does not define love.

I am not a foster parent for the same reason as some foster parents. I am a foster mother because I want to love on as many children as I possibly can, I want to give them a safe, loving environment where they can find stability–no matter how long or short they live with me. I have committed myself to loving each child as my own–even though it means that it will hurt if they leave.

I am not in this for me. I am not in this for the biological family (though I pray for them, cheer them on, and truly hurt for them). I am in this for the child. I want what is best for them–whether that is living with me, or someone else.

Ok…so now that we got that out of the way..

Anyway…the thought of #littlesailorgirl leaving our home has been on the forefront of our thoughts (we have no idea if she will leave, I think Satan is just trying to scare us) but here are some of the things that God has shared with me this last week.

1. He hurts when we hurt. John 11:35 “Jesus wept.” Such a short verse, but it shows that Jesus truly cared when his friends were hurting. He cares that my heart has ached every second since B and G left, and at the thought that our little lady might not be ours forever as well.

2. Jesus loves her more than even I do. WWWHHHAAAATTT?! Can you even comprehend someone loving your kids MORE than you? “So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.” – 1 John 4:16

3. We can give our struggles, our fears, our everything to God. He will carry it for us. “cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:6-7

I don’t know the future. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know if I will adopt #littlesailorgirl someday. I don’t know if I will adopt 2342304 other children. I don’t know if I will be able to see my children grow up.

But I do know that if I live in fear, I am letting Satan win. I am letting him paralyze me from living out the life I am called to live. I am missing out on touching as many lives as possible. I refuse to be a slave to fear. I refuse to be a slave.

I AM FREE!!!